April 23, 2006

My bionic boyfriend would be able to lift me up and make me feel thin.

Some people are nervous about robots. Not me. They can't come quick enough.
Scientists have already developed a bionic arm, they are designing a bionic eye, and bionic legs are being tested too. So here's what they need to work on next: I need a bionic boyfriend.

Just think of the advantages. He would be able to lift me up and make me feel thin no matter how much weight I gained. I could call him on the phone, say I needed to see him, and seconds later he'd be on my doorstep.

Amazing feats of strength and speed would be complemented by his ability to stay awake as long as I wanted. "Go on, keep talking," he'd say. "I don't need to sleep." What bliss.Naturally, his bionic breathing would prevent him from snoring.

My bionic boyfriend would have no problem with how much I packed. Lifting three cases for a weekend away wouldn't be an issue. Never again would I miss a taxi or plane. I'd just ask him to run after it and bring it back.

His strength wouldn't just be physical, it would be emotional too. I could be as difficult as I wanted and never have to worry about him giving up on me. He'd have bionic tolerance. I could take half an hour ordering Chinese food, he wouldn't mind. And he wouldn't be embarrassed if I cried in public.

But this got me thinking. Even better than having a bionic boyfriend whose movements are controlled by his thoughts would be to have a bionic boyfriend with movements are controlled by my thoughts.

The sex would be perfect. The chip in his head would receive my signal when it was exactly the right time to make a move. Or not. When it was time to back off, he'd back off. No more awkward conversations about how it really wasn't his fault, I was just tired. If his bionic arm slid in the wrong direction, I'd redirect it to rub my feet. By just thinking about his movements, I'd control the pace, the degree of dexterity, not to mention his bionic endurance.

Since I'd be at the wheel, I'd be able to choose who he assisted with his powers. Helping grandma move her piano? No problem. Helping the hot ex-girlfriend move house? No way.
I could also download his vision from his bionic eye and see what he saw when I wasn't around. If he was staring at a waitress for too long, I'd know. Then I'd recalibrate him to look at a baked potato. I could go through his e-mails with him, reading every one and having him reply to any female invitations to meet for a drink with: "No thanks, I'm too much in love with Ariel." Or: "Sorry, not available. Ariel's depressed - I'm listening to why."

I suppose it could get tricky, though. If there were bionic boyfriends, there could be bionic girlfriends as well. And what if they got together? I have enough to worry about with the human competition. Another concern is, where would the vulnerability come in? If he couldn't experience anger, doubt and despair, where would the fun be?

Plus, thinking for myself is a lot of work - planning his moods, moves and responses means I'd have to think for two. That sounds exhausting. And what if he broke down? It's not as though I'd know how to fix him. Then I'd be back to square one and have what I've always had: another broken boyfriend.