February 2, 2008

Why would Amy Winehouse resist going to rehab? I wouldn't mind having a few weeks totally cut off from the world where no one could reach me and the sole objective was to talk about myself and my problems. Then get a pat on the back. What's not to like?

I tried to get into Promises, the exclusive treatment centre in Malibu, but they wouldn't have me. My addictions didn't qualify. "Do you have a drinking problem?" No. "Drugs?" No. "Sex addiction?" I wish. I told them I was addicted to suffering. But that was too vague.

Now all of a sudden, there's a new addiction. Nobody's sleeping. Heath Ledger wasn't sleeping. Britney Spears isn't sleeping. Justin Chambers from Gray's Anatomy just checked into rehab for not sleeping.

I have the opposite problem. I'm addicted to sleeping. From the moment I wake up all that I look forward to is going back to bed.

The other night I was out to dinner with friends and as soon as the bill arrived I perked up. I knew it was only a matter of time before I could go home to bed. Then it hit me: I was more excited at the thought of going to sleep than I had been at any point during the dinner.

Recently I read a quote from Gloria Steinem. "Think," she said. "'What do I do that when I'm doing it I forget what time it is? What is there that I don't care whether get I paid for or not? What is it that I'm really motivated and excited by?' And do that."

Here's how I answered those questions: sleep. But I doubt anyone will pay me to do it.

I'm stuck with an addiction that gets no sympathy. Everyone's concerned when someone is not sleeping but no one cares about those of us who oversleep. It's not an excuse for anything.

No one ever says, "Oh the poor thing - she's sleeping too much." Or, "She looks way too rested. No wonder she's not getting asked out."

I realise people mainly get addicted to things that are bad for them. And too much of anything isn't healthy. But how come you never hear of anyone addicted to apples? You never hear anyone say: her apple addiction is out of control.

The last time I went to the gym I had to drag myself from under the duvet to get there. On the treadmill, I know some people visualise climbing a mountain to spur themselves on - I visualised climbing back into bed. While I was there I overheard one woman tell her friend she was addicted to exercise. Why can't I have that? That sounds ideal. I would love to feel compelled to get in shape.

Not only am I addicted to something that's unsympathetic, but during the times when this addiction could be useful, it doesn't work. I can't sleep on planes.

Maybe it's genetic. I remember my mother sleeping frequently and waking at noon. My father was always a strong sleeper too. I'll just blame them. If only I were in rehab I'd be able to talk about it.