January 17, 2010

Why is it that when women get older they are of a "certain age" whereas men are their actual age?

The other day I read about the Swoftie. The what? This isn't even a decent hybrid word - like Metrosexual - where at least, it's a combination of two actual words. A Swoftie is a quasi-acronym meant to describe a single woman over fifty.

Was there really a need to create a specific classification for these women? There was. Why? Because Swofties are not just any women over the age of fifty. They are women who, despite their advancing years, are not afraid to embrace radical young-person activities. Like using the Internet. And going on Facebook and Twitter.

If you're a single woman over the age of fifty who Tweets - finally, you have a label.

But it's not just being unafraid to explore scary technology. Swofties are also open to other intrepid adventures. Like going out to eat. That is, when they're not trying to stick to a diet. Another sign that they haven't given up.

The fearless Swoftie is also likely to go to the gym. Back in the old days, once a woman hit fifty, all she would have to look forward to was a hip replacement. Times have changed. Swofties are now looking forward to all sorts of saucy things like dancing. In public.

Some of them are even actively dating. Still. After fifty!

According to a recent study: "The 600,000 older females in Britain who are either spinsters, widowers, or divorcees, have never been happier."

How is this good news? The fact that older females are referred to as spinsters undermines any positive message this study offers. What's the male equivalent for an um-married man in his 50's? A bachelor.

I don't care if I'm going to the gym every day while chatting on my iPhone making plans for a threesome; it's no boost to my self-esteem if I'm being called a spinster.

All the single ladies over fifty who never had a ring put on it might not have had one by choice. I can't figure out what's more depressing: that there's an invented category for women over fifty who are living life to the fullest, or, that going on Facebook and Twitter is considered living life to the fullest.

Something else to consider. Can a woman over fifty be both a Cougar and a Swoftie? And if so, what happens if she's also GILF? That's a lot of hyphenates.

The study mentions how "women of a certain age" are feeling more confident thanks to plastic surgery. Whenever I hear that a woman is of a certain age I think - that doesn't make her sound younger - it just makes it sound like she's so ancient, she doesn't want anyone to know her age.

When do the golden years start anyway? Can they start at 42? I feel like they should.

Luckily, I don't have to worry about being labeled a Swoftie. I don't embrace life now - why would I change when I hit my 50's?