July 22, 2007

Cherie Blair has revealed that while on holiday in Tuscany, Tony proposed to her while she was cleaning the toilet. "He said, while I was on my knees, that maybe we should get married."

Why was she cleaning the toilet on holiday? If you're with a man who doesn't mind that you're cleaning the toilet while on holiday, he might as well propose to you while you're at it.

Everyone seems to feel it's unromantic, but if you think about it, it's what he said, not where he said it. "Maybe we should get married." Maybe? It sounds so casual. Like:"We could get married or, if you're not up for that, we could go for Chinese."

I'm not sure how I'd want someone to propose to me, but I know what I wouldn't want. I wouldn't want him to ask before I've had my coffee. If I can't make a decision about what to wear in the morning, chances are that I'm not going to be able to decide about a lifelong commitment.

Also, If he suggests meeting at our 'spot', that could be problematic. Because I'll get it wrong. He'll be waiting somewhere, I'll be waiting somewhere else, we'll text angry messages to each other, and the next thing you know, he'll be wondering why he even bothers.

The less fanfare the better. No roses, no beaches, no string quartets, no sunsets. But most importantly, no limos. Nothing tasteful has ever come out of a stretch limousine.

Another proposal I wouldn't trust: he asks me to marry him while we're on a plane that's about to crash. That wouldn't count. In fact, any scenario that involves imminent death - I'd have to wonder if he really meant it.

If there was a ring involved, putting the ring into anything edible is a bad idea. I'll bite down on it and crack my tooth. Either that or I'll swallow it and end up in A&E with a ruptured spleen.

I don't need a ring, but there should be something to signify the moment. Nothing says I haven't thought this through, like a proposal written on a napkin. And if there's going to be a proposal while in a taxi, it would best to cover the fare. Although I'm all for splitting a cab, if you're going to propose, at least cover the tip.

I've heard of people proposing using a treasure hunt with clues, and each clue is a joke or a riddle that needs to be solved. This would not be the way to go. It would take me so long to solve the first riddle that by the time I'd reached the end, he'd have moved on and married someone else.

The circumstances surrounding the proposal are crucial too. For instance, if he's had to move out. "Let's get married" should never follow the sentence "I've just been evicted."

If it's outside, it can't be anywhere tropical because of the mosquitoes, and it can't be anywhere chilly because I'll be cold. A biplane skywriting also wouldn't work. I'll be bending down to tie my shoelace at the exact moment it flies by, then when I look up, all I'll see is a smudge of smoke. When I say it wasn't my fault I missed it, he'll take it as an omen that we're not meant to be.

Here's a proposal I wouldn't mind. He holds a gun to his head and says: "Marry me or else." Now that's romantic. I'd know for sure how he felt.

But then I'd wonder if maybe he was just saying that. So I'd tell him no - just to make sure.