June 1, 2008

I read the other day that Heidi Fleiss has plans to open the first all male brothel for women clients in Nevada. If it happens, I predict a multitude of complications.

For instance, I can't sleep with someone without wanting to talk on the phone afterwards. Part of the deal would have to include at least an hour of talk time the following day so that we could do the post-mortem. During that call I'd be able to ask as many questions as I wanted. And this would have to be included in the price.

And what about separation anxiety? As soon as whoever I was with would tell me it was time to go naturally I'd respond, "Already?" Then I'd want to know where he was going and who he was seeing next. He'd say, "It's none of your business" and we'd get in a fight. It would end in tears.

I'd want my money back.

If a male brothel is going to speak to the fantasy women have of men it would list their qualities as opposed to their measurements. "Kind, generous, considerate." Or "The type of man who would never break up with you in a text."

I'm curious too what the line-up of men would be like. There would have to be a really old guy - for women who want a father figure. There would need to be a man with a great sense of humour. It wouldn't matter what he looked like as long as he made you laugh. Then there's the Ambivalent Man. Lots of women will pick this one because he's familiar and reminds them of someone they've dated. As soon as you pick him, he seems really excited to spend time with you. But a few minutes later he's not sure.

You go to the room anyway and hope Ambivalent Man will show up. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. He'll keep you waiting, confused, and then just as you're ready to give up and move on, he appears - and you love it.

A friend of mine said if she went to a male brothel she'd want to have sex with an office worker. Not a high-powered businessman, but someone who works in the IT department. "Someone who, under normal circumstances I'd probably never sleep with." She said.

This would be an adventure because of the bizarre unlikeliness of the scenario. Like a man meeting a nurse who actually looks like Pamela Anderson.

Another friend of mine says she would want someone who would talk only about all the things they were going to do in the future. Why?

"Because most of the men I know get skittish when I bring up breakfast."

In her fantasy the man she's with whispers in her ear: I want to buy us non-refundable tickets to Paris for New Years Eve 2012.

I'm not sure what my fantasy man would be. Maybe a doctor. He'd be dressed in scrubs and have that fresh out of surgery look. Only when I said I wanted him to examine me, it wouldn't be a euphemism. I would spend the entire time quizzing him on things I think I might have - and even if he couldn't answer I'd still have an hour of his undivided and intimate attention. What could be more pleasurable?

Here's how the pricing would work. $1000 buys an hour of uninterrupted complaining. $ 2000 gets you a really good foot massage while he listens to you ask his advice about an ex boyfriend's new girlfriend.

The most popular man at the brothel? The Cuddler. And runner up would be the one who wanted to stay in bed to watch season six of Sex And The City.

Finally, there's something else to consider. Brothels appeal to men because it's sex with no strings attached. But for women, that's not hard to find. If I announced I'd like to have sex with no expectations, demands or agenda - I'd have to turn men away. I certainly wouldn't have to traipse out to Nevada to find it. So while in theory, a male brothel sounds plausible, in practice it wouldn't work. It's sex with some follow through that women would pay for.