October 19, 2008

Recently there has been a proliferation of articles and lists offering men common-sense advice about women. The latest one is: obvious ways a man can tell if a woman fancies him. The audience must be men who have lived in a cave. And the list is misleading. It's not stating the obvious. It's creating false hope and contributing to more confusion.

For instance, if she sits on the edge of her seat when talking to a man she's "interested". Not necessarily. I sit on the edge of my seat all the time. It usually means I'm about to get up to pee.

Here's another. If she drinks beer from a bottle (instead of Merlot from a glass), she wants you. If you're the sort of man who would interpret this as a signal, you really shouldn't be dating.

And another: if she excuses herself to apply lip gloss it means she's attracted and if she applies it in front of you - it's a bad sign. Really? I apply lip-gloss in front of men all the time. Then again, that could be right. I AM still single.

Apparently you can tell she's into you if she doesn't answer her mobile phone. This definitely isn't true. She might not be answering her phone because it's her boyfriend wondering where she is. Or her credit card company chasing her for the monthly payment. Or, in my case, I'm not answering because no one is calling.

Here's another. If she touches you, more than once. Again, not so convincing. I touch men on the arm if they're not listening because I want them to pay attention. Just because I want them to listen to me doesn't mean I want to date them. It also entirely depends on where the woman is touching.

I suppose there might be a few men out there who can't tell when a woman is into them, but I've never met any. In my experience, men always assume women are into them and if not, they assume she must be a lesbian.

And since we've had endless lists about the men that women should avoid, here's one for the men because there are plenty who can't read the signals from a woman who should be avoided .

In this situation they fail to see the signs until it's too late. So even though it's a long way from burning with desire to burning your house down, here are some clues for men so that there's no grey area.

1. She asks you what you're looking for in a relationship and when you reply, "I'm not looking" she glosses over it and mentions your beautiful eyes.

2. You cancel plans because you're too tired and she asks: why? When you tell her you've been working hard, she asks: on what? You mention a female co-worker and she asks: who's she? After you explain everything she says: get some rest.

3. She knows things about you that you never told her and could only have found out by hiring a private detective.

4. After mentioning your wife, she asks if you married for a green card.

5. She lets you tell the same story over and over even though it's not funny.

6. When you tell her you don't think you love her she replies, "You do, you just don't know it yet."

7. After sex when you get up to go home that night and don't call the next day or e-mail or text, she decides you lost track of time and sleeps with you again

8. You break the news you don't want children (knowing she does). She suggests getting a dog instead.

9. She prefaces most sentences with, "I've never told this to anyone beforeā€¦"

10. When you talk about yourself non-stop, she doesn't interrupt.

11. She's put you down as her "in case of emergency" contact.

12. She volunteers to get an extra set of your keys made - for herself.

13. She's booked two non-refundable tickets to Paris. For New Years 2010.

14. She's become friendly with your mother but you didn't introduce them.

15. She calls you and says "It's me" after having met once.

Often with these kinds of lists people question whether the list-maker is credible. But this kind of advice isn't run-of the-mill and could only come from experience. Need I say more?