September 7, 2008

What makes a woman wife material? I was thinking about this while watching the Republican Convention. The emphasis on having a partner and children is over-the-top. It's all about family. What about those of us who don't have one? Why not have a single woman for vice president - she'd be happy to work on weekends and holidays.

I can't stand the moral superiority - the fact that Sarah Palin, McCain's VP nominee, has five kids is being used to canonise her. And if the children are so "off limits" why parade them to a global TV audience to represent family values and virtue?

You're nothing in America if you don't care about family. Americans will elect a black Muslim woman for president before they'll elect someone who's single.

I'd be as good as any of the previous occupants of the White House - I can't fix anything either.

The other day my stove broke. Or, more precisely, the other day I discovered the stove was broken. It might have been broken all summer, who knows. This might come as a shock to some people, but I don't cook.

I went online to see how much it would cost to replace it. The cheapest stove I could find was $450 . That's a new pair of shoes.

I can 't even remember the last time I used the stove. I think I opened the oven last year for a few hours when I was freezing and the heat didn't work. So I use it for heating. But I don't need a stove for that - I have a blow-dryer.

I called Sophie and asked if she thought I needed a stove. "What for?" It was a good question. Boiling water? I could do that with an electric kettle. What else ?

Boiling an egg? I could live without eggs. Boiling my contact lenses carrying case? Suddenly it occurred to me, I DO cook. Boiling is cooking, right? I'm good at cooking things that need disinfecting.

Sophie has just moved into her new apartment. I asked if she has a stove. "I think so," She said. "I haven't checked." We're from the same tribe. The Not-Made-For-Wife-Material tribe.

Sophie suggested I buy a microwave. A microwave? This isn't 1984. Who uses a microwave?

"I do," she snapped. "I like microwave popcorn."

That settled it. I don't need a stove. If I ever need a hot meal I can always go over to her house.

She's just moved around the corner and she's only been there a few days but she's already got a problem with mould. Also, her floors slope. And she's worried the building might not have heat. I asked why she was worried about that when it's still sort of summer. "Because I'm turning into you," she said. I took that as a compliment.

At least in my apartment I know that when something breaks or goes wrong my building superintendent will fix it. I have the best 'super' in Manhattan and unlike some of the other men who've been inside my apartment, he answers the phone when I call.

Somehow I've managed not to alienate him. Maybe because when he says he's busy - i believe him. And I know I can count on him in an emergency. It could be the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I appreciate him and he appreciates me. I'm quiet, I never have people over and I walk around in socks. I might not be wife material but I make a great tenant. If you're a landlord - I'm a real catch.

There's a hierarchy of handymen in the building and I've discovered it's the difference between pitching an idea to a Hollywood development minion and the head of the studio. When my toilet gets clogged, I get to go right to the top. It's the one area of my life where I feel I've made it.

I'll never forget the time the flusher didn't work and after changing the flipper or the flapper or whatever it's called, my super told me I might need a new toilet. Okay, a stove I can do without - but a toilet? That would be tough.

"How much do they cost?" I asked. He gave me a wink and whispered, "I'll get you one from downstairs - it'll be from the building."

Does it get any better? So i'm not married with five kids or running for vice president. I might be single and stove-less but I still feel special.