I go out with a woman?
The other day,
someone asked if I'd ever thought about having a relationship
with a woman. Please. Of course I've thought about it. I've thought
about how much easier it would be. But that's where the thought
ends. Because I'm attracted to men, so it's like thinking about
how wonderful it would be if I never had to pay taxes.
But let's say that it was possible. If I
were in a romantic relationship with a woman, I could eat cupcakes
for breakfast and never have to worry about the consequences.
And the phone calls! I could call any time
without fearing that I'd be accused of being too needy or clingy
or desperate. Even if I called her at work to tell her I felt
fat. Here's a conversation I bet we could have. "Hi, honey,
I'm feeling bloated." She'd say: "Me too." Then
we'd say "Love you" and hang up. No big deal. She'd
get it. But can you imagine calling a boyfriend at work saying:
"Hi, honey, I have an ingrown hair." He'd never want
I bet the fighting would be less stressful
too. With every man I've been with, the argument unfolds like
this - I'll get angry, he'll walk out, usually muttering something
like: "Who needs this?" Or he'll get angry, keep it
to himself, and do the crossword. Then when I ask if he wants
a cup of tea, the response will be: "You're such a nag."
But fighting with my girlfriend would be
an extended therapy session. Women communicate. Fighting would
be just like talking. Only louder.
Also, situations that generally get ignored
by men would be taken seriously. Like having to go out with frizzy
hair. My girlfriend and I would sit down and discuss the options.
Pull it back? Put it up? Headband, hat or scarf? She would implicitly
understand the psychological effects of the frizz and genuinely
When I've mentioned having frizzy hair to
a boyfriend, his reaction has been one of two things. Either he'll
offer a compliment such as "I like it frizzy," thinking
that as long as he finds me desirable, that's all the reassurance
I should need. Or he'll say: "What do you want me to do about
Because men are problem-solvers. Especially
in relationships. They have to resolve something the instant it's
a problem, because the alternative is to endure the complaint.
"What can I do to fix this?" is what they'll say, but
the unspoken part of that sentence is:
"... so I don't have to listen to you
whinge about it." But with a woman, I can see how the problem
would be savoured. Nothing would have to be fixed, changed or
improved. We could just go round in circles for as long as we
wanted. There would be no fear of hearing what's wrong, either.
When an ex-boyfriend has asked this, he's dreaded the answer.
I'll say "Nothing" and he'll say "Okay." My
girlfriend would understand. Nothing means everything. Then we
would get into a protracted discussion and dissect why life was
such a mess. Joy.
The worrying part is what happens when we
break up. I wouldn't be able to use gender as the reason.
With a man, there's always the excuse: he's
a man. Obviously, that's why the relationship fell apart. But
if I were with a woman? I would have to face the fact that maybe