week I was watching George Clooney walk the red carpet at Oscars.
As he stopped to do interviews, everyone would ask his stunning
new girlfriend, “What’s it like to date George Clooney?”
What answer is there to that question? She’s
not likely to say: “It’s OK but he’s no Brad
Pitt.” Or “Other than the bad breath, it’s good.”
Once you date George Clooney, the bar’s set pretty high.
And the Oscars are the summit of glamour. How do you top that?
There she was in her couture gown, arm in arm with the most handsome
movie star on the planet.
Most women probably envied her. Not me. I saw a recipe for disaster.
If she doesn’t end up with him she's ruined for life.
Can you imagine? After they break up and she has to start dating
again, where’s the next guy going to take her – the
moon? The only way to go would be the opposite end of the spectrum.
A bald man without charm, looks, or a libido. That can’t
be too hard to find.
She needs to start looking at the down side now. Just in case.
But that’s tough. What’s the down side with George
Clooney? He’ll only fly premium economy to the house in
Maybe he snores. She needs something to cling to. He’s got
to have some bad qualities. Focus on those.
Everyone has their flaws. Some people choose not to look at them
but that’s a mistake. When a relationship ends, no good
can come from romanticising. The other day my friend Heather was
talking about the last guy she went out with. “He’s
a hard act to follow.” Really? An unemployed former drug
addict who cheated on her. “Yeah,” she said, “But
he had a big heart.”
That’s like saying: he had a pulse. Why does that deserve
credit? I always thought generosity should be a given. Then again,
I tend to set the bar pretty low. The last time I got a bouquet
of flowers from a boyfriend the card said: “Sorry I called
you a moron.”
I’m inclined to like guys who will spend an entire weekend
watching TV. As long as they’re in front of the TV, I know
where they are.
My friend Liza likes men who watch football because her father
watched football so it’s nostalgic. When I asked if she
was ever bothered about the fact that they choose the game over
her she looked confused.
“I can honestly say I have never had that feeling,”
she said. “I love watching football with them.” Suddenly
she looked outraged. “How can I still be single? I'm every
This got me thinking. Whose dream am I? Someone who doesn’t
mind giving things up. Like fun. Someone who likes to stay home,
make toast, and go to bed early. I’d be perfect for someone
in their nineties.
I’d also be the ideal girlfriend for someone who has just
been released from having spent 10 years in solitary confinement.
He’d be desperate for a conversation. Someone like Papillion.
I don’t care if he doesn’t look like Steve McQueen.
As long as his ears work.
People might have the impression I’m hard to please but
I don’t need a lot of perks. I don’t need a date to
the Oscars – or a house on Lake Como – just return
my phone calls and I’ll be delighted.
Whoever I date has it easy. Just showing up goes a long way.